A step back

The girl has recently had a small reversal.
I found some scratches on her arms. Initially when I asked, she said she didn't know what they were from.
Then she admitted that she had done them with a pin. And that she's not taking her meds.
Holy crap. More stuff for the therapist.

I asked the homeschooling group for help getting her involved, and a couple of moms of teens have offered to meet up separately. So glad I live here. We meet one family tomorrow. The other family, we will probably get together with next week. I'm as glad to meet other moms as she is to meet other teens.

My hope is that making some new friends will help alleviate her loneliness. I think that is a factor in her slipping back into bad habits.

This scares the hell out of me. I just have to keep her moving forward, and she'll be ok.
She has to be.

Fear

A relapse tonight.
Just one cut, but a bad one. Emergency room bad.
As soon as she did it, she came to me. She kept telling me "I didn't mean to do it", and calling herself stupid. She handed over the blades to me without a hesitation.
I think she scared herself.
She went right through the skin and exposed the adipose tissue.
She scared me.
I tried to get her to allow the stitches, and she agreed, but then she had a panic attack when the doctor tried to put the stitches in, and we ended up having the nurse put steri-strips on instead.
She said she saw the blade, and was thinking about the situation she just got out of, and just did it on impulse.

As I'm sitting in the ER with her the guilt kicked in. I couldn't help but wonder if I somehow made her like this. If I broke her when she was little with my own pain.
I just don't know.

Revelation

The more I think about this the more I understand it.

I still have a few scars myself.

And I realized something else, too. I didn't really stop when I thought I did.
The cutting, carving and biting turned into something else.

I stopped doing the physical harm myself, and looked for men to do it for me. From the one who held me down, to the one who left bite marks all over me, to the one who was excessively "endowed" who I couldn't stay away from - no matter how much it hurt. There was the one who always made me bleed, and the one who could keep going so long that I couldn't walk the next day. There was the one who knew just what to say to cause the most pain, and the one who told me "you're so beautiful when you cry".

I did this to myself until I was 34 years old. I'm so worried that my girl will follow this path. I have to figure out how to keep her from it.
I spent so many years hating myself for it, consumed with self-loathing because I kept making these stupid choices that were guaranteed to keep me miserable.
I don't want that for her. How do I keep her from it?

Re-directing

So I talked to my girl about my epiphany.
She seemed open to the ideas I had.
Here they are: for pain - pinching herself or snapping a rubber band on her wrist are some alternatives that won't cause actual damage. Not a solution, but a step in the right direction for her safety. At least she won't accidentally pinch herself to death.
For the "looks cool" - I'm getting her some tattoo pens. She can draw on her skin all she wants. When she gets a little older, she can get all the tattoos and piercings her little heart desires, but at 14 this seems to be a reasonable temporary alternative.

After seeing the severity of the most recent bout of cutting, I'm open to any and all suggestions to help her through this. Group therapy doesn't seem to be doing her much good because of her severe social anxiety. Most days she doesn't even make it into the room. I've already started working with her at home because school was too much for her to handle, especially so soon after getting out of the hospital.

I need her to be okay. Safe.

Scars

The first time I saw the scars on her arm I was scared. Terrified.
She was sitting in a chair in a psychiatric hospital. She'd been staying with her father for several months, and he sent me a text saying she had brought a suicide note to school. They took her to the ER, and then she was transferred to the hospital.
I was on a plane the next day.

She stopped cutting for a little while. Then last week, for reasons unknown to me, she started again. Not just her arm. Her ribs and abdomen were covered. Her hips and her thighs, too. Someone mentioned she had been scratching at her leg and so I asked her if she had been cutting. She admitted it easily. When I asked her to show me, she did. I felt like I had been punched in the face. I told her I would help her find a safer way to deal with things, and asked her to please try not to cut herself.

In my research on this behavior, I've discovered some interesting things.
Self-harming isn't just cutting. It can take many forms, including but not limited to : banging your head, carving things into your skin, pulling out your hair, and biting.

Wait, I've done all of those myself! So now I'm left wondering - is this hereditary? Or contagious? Did I somehow pass this on to her without knowing? And is it sick that the turmoil I'm feeling makes me want to return to those destructive patterns myself?

But I did have an epiphany. She told her friend that she likes the way it feels, and she likes the way it looks. "It hurts, and it looks cool".
Isn't that why some people get addicted to tattoos and piercings?
I haven't figured out how, but I feel like this information can somehow help her.