School and other important stuff

As you know, I made the decision to homeschool last year, after my teen was thrown into a huge school and ended up hospitalized after a suicide attempt.

So, we've officially started our academic year. The teen is studying zoology, and is captivated. I'm always so excited when she gets enthusiastic about a subject.

She asked me to get her back on her meds, and to help her find a therapist that she might click with a bit better. I'm glad she's come to me instead of waiting until things got bad.
We have appointments this coming week to get right on it.

My girl will be just fine.

Moving

Tomorrow we move into our new house. We're so excited!
My teen loves her new room, and my little loves our new yard! We'll have space to set up a work area for my kids, a family room, and a garden!
The teen is motivated this year to get through her academics with as little delay as possible so she can move ahead.

Today, I was attacked by a family member for not sending her back to public school. She accused me of being selfish, and taking the easy way. That I need to think about what's best for my children for once. She told me my girl will be a dysfunctional adult if I don't force her back into school.
If you have a teen in the house, I'm sure that you are aware that having her at home all day is NOT taking the easy way out. The other, bigger issue here is the social anxiety disorder that the girl has.
Am I supposed to send her back to a place where she is so unhappy she has to harm herself to deal with it?
(Here's a hint - HELL NO!)
I understand that my family member is concerned. I get she doesn't understand what our day-to-day life is like. And I even can kind of accept that she means well.
Those things being said, I have every right to raise my children as I see fit. I also have an obligation to do what I feel is best for them.
Public school ain't it.

Anxiety

My girl has just spent the last 2 months visiting her father for the first time since she came home. I picked her up at the airport on Sunday. I couldn't really relax until I saw her beautiful face.
She called me every day she was gone, and texted me that she wanted to come home.
I'm so glad to have her back.
I haven't checked her for fresh cuts. I'm too afraid. I know I need to. I just need everything to be ok for a little longer.
I'm a coward, I know.

Oppression

Oppression comes in many forms. For women, it frequently comes masked as protection.
Don't go out alone. Stay out of certain neighborhoods. Don't wear revealing clothing. Don't be a slut.
It hurts my heart that I've already had to say some of these things to my own daughters. I have to worry about what they wear- not because they are bad or weak or stupid girls. I have to worry because if something should happen it may be blamed on them because they were wearing short skirts, or tight shirts, or whatever stupidity might be used to justify evil actions.
I have to teach my daughters that even though we know many good and decent men, there are some out there just waiting for a girl to come along to victimize. And because you can't tell who they are- ALL men need to be treated with suspicion until they prove themselves.
I desperately want to tell my kids that most people are good, but that gives them the idea that they can let their guard down. And they can't. Not ever. My daughters will always have to think, in the back of their minds, that they need to be careful around men. And that makes me sad and sick.

Outburst

Yesterday was an emotional day.
The girl has been shirking her chores, and I called her on it. It ended up with her shrieking in my face. When I asked her later what that had been about, her answer was "I have no idea".
Thankfully, we see the therapist today.

I hate feeling like I have to walk on eggshells around my child. I hate not being able to leave a teenager alone because I'm afraid she'll hurt herself.
And I really hate that I let myself get pulled into an altercation with a 14 year old.

I need to talk to the therapist to learn tools for dealing with this.

I was terrified every time she left the room for the rest of the day, wondering if she was cutting herself, how bad it would be, and if she would go too far.

Today, everything is back to normal.

Nightmares

In my dreams I'm searching for my kids. I can hear their voices. I step in puddles of their blood. I find body parts lying on the ground.
Sometimes I'm not searching. Sometimes I'm trying to stop the flow of blood as my teen's life drains down her arm and drips off her fingertips.

I dread sleeping some nights.

In reality, the girl is healing well. And the closer she gets to being healed, the more "normal" teen attitude she has. I realize it's the age. 14 sucks, I remember.
I know that soon she'll be yet another person, and another year closer to the woman she'll become.
Parenting is so bittersweet. I wouldn't give it up for anything.

Progress

It's been a couple of weeks since the last incident. She seems to be doing ok.
She's been in fairly good spirits, and laughing and playing with the family.

We're easing into the homeschool lifestyle. And really, that's what it is. This has changed the dynamics of our household significantly; mostly for the better, I think.

We communicate more. We share our thoughts more. We set goals together.
The girl and I are making the decorations for our tree this year. We spend evenings working on them and talking after the little has gone to sleep.
So I suppose some good is coming out of all this misery. My big girl and my little girl are closer than ever. My girl and I have been able to reconnect. We're home, with my husband as a buffer between us and the world. (He's been wonderful about his anti-social family.)
Things are definitely on the upswing. I expect there will be more setbacks.
That's just life. And it hasn't been all that long.
But the future is looking promising, and we have a mellow kind of contentment instead of the constant despair that seemed to loom over us.