Apparently, the girl has been talking to her father about spending next school year with him.
He's been talking to her about taking a class with him at a community college, to help her adapt to a college environment. He says that this way she can practice with him right there. He still hasn't discussed a word of this with me. He's only talking to her about it.
When she was talking to me about it she told me she needs to start detaching from me anyway. She said she has separation issues, and this might be good for her. Those sound to me like his words, and they make me mad as hell.
I have to admit, I'm kind of crushed, on top of being angry and scared.
The girl is getting ready to graduate, and she's turning 17. She's almost an adult. I'm not ready.
Partly, I'm worried about her safety. After the incident that caused another blog to be born, I'm terrified of what might happen. What if she still doesn't feel like she can ask for help? What if she still feels pushed to the side? What if he still won't take her seriously? What if she hurts herself? I'm worried that the other teen in the house will still get away with mistreating her. I'm worried that her father won't let her be who she is, but will try to make her be what he sees as normal. How will he handle it if she freezes? Will he help her get through, or will he humiliate her? If she cuts, will he make sure she's safe? Or will he make her feel like it's a failure?
It's not just those things, though. I feel like I'm losing her. It was her and me against the world for so long, and now she's going to go live with the person who repeatedly broke her heart, broke his promises, and wasn't there when she needed him. I can't trust him to take care of her, emotionally. I know he loves her, but he doesn't want to understand what her issues are.
So here's my problem - what if they're right? Maybe she really is too attached to me. Maybe she does need to do this transition, so that she's ready to go away to college next year. Maybe I have no idea how to prep her for the next phase of her life.
I feel absolutely heartsick. I will miss her more than I've ever missed anyone. More than I want to be right though, I want her to be happy. I want her to be a success - what ever that means to her. I want her to feel confident and competent. I want her to have a good life.
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Friday, May 1, 2015
Sunday, March 8, 2015
I Remember (trigger warning)
I had a nightmare recently, one I haven't had in quite some time. It had me thinking about this all day, and I had to get rid of it. It still affects me, after all these years. My hope is that if it's out here, it will stay out of my head.
Do you remember when we met? I was 12, and you were 22. You were getting ready to go into the army.
Do you remember the furtive groping, and the secret kisses? I was 13, and convinced I was in love with you.
Do you remember all the letters we sent? I carried them around with me. I put them in my backpack and took them to school. I was 15, and so jealous when you talked about the 16 year old girl you were friends with.
Do you remember telling me about the woman who was caught molesting a boy during that march? You were upset, because people got involved in their relationship. I was really weirded out by your reaction - but I didn't know why.
Do you remember asking me to marry you? I couldn't believe that you asked me after all those years of thinking I was in love.
Do you remember after we got married, when I was almost 19 and you were 29? I worked while you went to school.
Do you remember getting mad when I wore make up? I was getting ready for work, and you asked me who I expected to meet that I needed to wear make up for.
Do you remember holding me down and fucking me? Even if I said I was too tired? When I talked to you about it after, you would tell me it was my fault because I led you on by changing in front of you in our bedroom.
Do you remember all the times you clenched your fists and your teeth and told me how much you wanted to punch me in the face?
Do you remember giving me a hard time when I wanted to go out with my friends without you? And how you would grill me about what we did when I got home?
Do you remember being invited to go out with your friends, and refusing to go if I didn't go with you?
Do you remember buying me flowers for the first time after I told you I wanted a divorce?
Do you remember showing up at my apartment in the middle of the night to tell me you were worried about my soul?
Do you remember showing up at my apartment early in the morning to tell me my life was in danger, but you couldn't tell me why?
I remember.
I remember it all.
I remember the look of confusion on your face when I tried to explain it to you.
I remember you telling me that I would change my mind if I turned to Jesus.
I remember crying myself to sleep almost every night.
I remember staying much longer than I should have because I didn't want to admit I had made a mistake by marrying you.
I remember turning down invites from my friends, because I would have to bring you with me.
I remember being out all night with your friends - even though I was tired and had to work the next day - because it was the only way you would go.
I remember going home to my family because I was terrified of what you might do next.
I remember being underneath you and faking an orgasm because I knew you wouldn't stop until I did - and it had to coincide with yours, or you would be upset.
I remember punching a boyfriend in the face because I woke up with his hands on me. I wasn't even fully awake, I just knew I hadn't given consent and I would never let that happen to me again.
I remember.
I remember it all.
Do you remember when we met? I was 12, and you were 22. You were getting ready to go into the army.
Do you remember the furtive groping, and the secret kisses? I was 13, and convinced I was in love with you.
Do you remember all the letters we sent? I carried them around with me. I put them in my backpack and took them to school. I was 15, and so jealous when you talked about the 16 year old girl you were friends with.
Do you remember telling me about the woman who was caught molesting a boy during that march? You were upset, because people got involved in their relationship. I was really weirded out by your reaction - but I didn't know why.
Do you remember asking me to marry you? I couldn't believe that you asked me after all those years of thinking I was in love.
Do you remember after we got married, when I was almost 19 and you were 29? I worked while you went to school.
Do you remember getting mad when I wore make up? I was getting ready for work, and you asked me who I expected to meet that I needed to wear make up for.
Do you remember holding me down and fucking me? Even if I said I was too tired? When I talked to you about it after, you would tell me it was my fault because I led you on by changing in front of you in our bedroom.
Do you remember all the times you clenched your fists and your teeth and told me how much you wanted to punch me in the face?
Do you remember giving me a hard time when I wanted to go out with my friends without you? And how you would grill me about what we did when I got home?
Do you remember being invited to go out with your friends, and refusing to go if I didn't go with you?
Do you remember buying me flowers for the first time after I told you I wanted a divorce?
Do you remember showing up at my apartment in the middle of the night to tell me you were worried about my soul?
Do you remember showing up at my apartment early in the morning to tell me my life was in danger, but you couldn't tell me why?
I remember.
I remember it all.
I remember the look of confusion on your face when I tried to explain it to you.
I remember you telling me that I would change my mind if I turned to Jesus.
I remember crying myself to sleep almost every night.
I remember staying much longer than I should have because I didn't want to admit I had made a mistake by marrying you.
I remember turning down invites from my friends, because I would have to bring you with me.
I remember being out all night with your friends - even though I was tired and had to work the next day - because it was the only way you would go.
I remember going home to my family because I was terrified of what you might do next.
I remember being underneath you and faking an orgasm because I knew you wouldn't stop until I did - and it had to coincide with yours, or you would be upset.
I remember punching a boyfriend in the face because I woke up with his hands on me. I wasn't even fully awake, I just knew I hadn't given consent and I would never let that happen to me again.
I remember.
I remember it all.
Thursday, October 2, 2014
Two years
When I brought the girl back home with me after the nightmare of those first 6 weeks, I didn't have any idea what was going to happen. I was so afraid - afraid she would try again, afraid she would never completely be herself again, afraid I would never see her happy again. I was just so afraid.
And when her therapist told me she was going to discharge her because she wasn't making any progress, I was angry. "Her treatment isn't effective, so we're not going to treat her at all any more." What? No one would say that to a cancer patient! This has just as much potential to be fatal!
And when therapist after therapist failed to grasp Social Anxiety Disorder, I felt like there was no place to turn.
Family members railed against homeschooling her, convinced she just had to learn to deal with things. (That really hurt. Not any more - now I stay away from those people as much as I can.)
After taking a class from the wonderful people at NAMI, I finally began to understand mental illness better, hers and mine. I learned new ways to fight for her, and how to accept things that scared me.
I saw my first glimmer of hope 2 months after she returned. A dog came into her life. That dog helped the girl finally start clawing her way back from the darkness. When that dog got sick and died, I was afraid the girl would, too. She didn't.
The girl is strong. She's a fighter. Recently, she tried to go back to public school. She wants to go to prom. It didn't work, but we're not giving up. Our new GP is running a bunch of tests. She said that certain medical issues can exacerbate mental illness, so she's checking for those things. We're looking for yet another new therapist.
Does the girl still cut? Yes. Cutting is an addiction. It's hard to stop. Does it scare me? Absolutely. But she's not suicidal. She has plans for the future, and we need to get this all figured out so she can achieve her goals. We're still working hard at getting the issues under control.
At least we know what the issues are. At least she's working with me. This will be a lifelong struggle, but she's equal to the task.
It's been 2 years. Last night, after I tucked her little sister into bed, the girl came in and grinned sheepishly at me. She felt silly, but she asked me to tuck her in, too. We snuggled and giggled for several minutes, and she drifted off to sleep with a smile on her lips.
Thursday, January 16, 2014
Prologue
Before I found Blogger, I had started on Tumblr. Then I forgot my password, gave up, and never thought about it again.
Until today, when I stumbled on it again. I figured out which password I had used, read the entries I had made (all 3 of them), and decided to share them with you.
So here is the link:
I shared this on another blog I write, but it has so much more meaning here - hindsight and all that.
When I ran across this today it brought tears to my eyes. So much has happened since then. I wish I had known what I was looking at, at the time.
I'm so grateful it didn't go worse that it did.
Update: Having issues getting the link to work, but here's the url to copy.
http://phoebigail.tumblr.com/
Until today, when I stumbled on it again. I figured out which password I had used, read the entries I had made (all 3 of them), and decided to share them with you.
So here is the link:
I shared this on another blog I write, but it has so much more meaning here - hindsight and all that.
When I ran across this today it brought tears to my eyes. So much has happened since then. I wish I had known what I was looking at, at the time.
I'm so grateful it didn't go worse that it did.
Update: Having issues getting the link to work, but here's the url to copy.
http://phoebigail.tumblr.com/
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
Friends
This is Sadie.
Sadie saved our girl. When she came home covered in scars, and couldn't connect with people, this dog made a connection with her.
Sadie is having surgery tomorrow. She has a mass on her spleen, and needs to have it removed.
We love this dog, but even more, I'm terrified what will happen to my girl if this dog doesn't come through this.
Update: Sadie had her spleen removed on Wednesday. By Saturday she was so weak she could barely lift her head, and struggled for every breath. On Sunday, we made the difficult decision to euthanize her, so as not to prolong her struggle. The whole family went, and my girl held her in her lap while Sadie breathed her last.
We loved her greatly, and miss her very much.
Friday, August 30, 2013
Moving
Tomorrow we move into our new house. We're so excited!
My teen loves her new room, and my little loves our new yard! We'll have space to set up a work area for my kids, a family room, and a garden!
The teen is motivated this year to get through her academics with as little delay as possible so she can move ahead.
Today, I was attacked by a family member for not sending her back to public school. She accused me of being selfish, and taking the easy way. That I need to think about what's best for my children for once. She told me my girl will be a dysfunctional adult if I don't force her back into school.
If you have a teen in the house, I'm sure that you are aware that having her at home all day is NOT taking the easy way out. The other, bigger issue here is the social anxiety disorder that the girl has.
Am I supposed to send her back to a place where she is so unhappy she has to harm herself to deal with it?
(Here's a hint - HELL NO!)
I understand that my family member is concerned. I get she doesn't understand what our day-to-day life is like. And I even can kind of accept that she means well.
Those things being said, I have every right to raise my children as I see fit. I also have an obligation to do what I feel is best for them.
Public school ain't it.
My teen loves her new room, and my little loves our new yard! We'll have space to set up a work area for my kids, a family room, and a garden!
The teen is motivated this year to get through her academics with as little delay as possible so she can move ahead.
Today, I was attacked by a family member for not sending her back to public school. She accused me of being selfish, and taking the easy way. That I need to think about what's best for my children for once. She told me my girl will be a dysfunctional adult if I don't force her back into school.
If you have a teen in the house, I'm sure that you are aware that having her at home all day is NOT taking the easy way out. The other, bigger issue here is the social anxiety disorder that the girl has.
Am I supposed to send her back to a place where she is so unhappy she has to harm herself to deal with it?
(Here's a hint - HELL NO!)
I understand that my family member is concerned. I get she doesn't understand what our day-to-day life is like. And I even can kind of accept that she means well.
Those things being said, I have every right to raise my children as I see fit. I also have an obligation to do what I feel is best for them.
Public school ain't it.
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