Two years

Yesterday was 2 years since the girl's suicide attempt. So much has happened since then.
When I brought the girl back home with me after the nightmare of those first 6 weeks, I didn't have any idea what was going to happen. I was so afraid - afraid she would try again, afraid she would never completely be herself again, afraid I would never see her happy again. I was just so afraid.

And when her therapist told me she was going to discharge her because she wasn't making any progress, I was angry. "Her treatment isn't effective, so we're not going to treat her at all any more." What? No one would say that to a cancer patient! This has just as much potential to be fatal!
And when therapist after therapist failed to grasp Social Anxiety Disorder, I felt like there was no place to turn.

Family members railed against homeschooling her, convinced she just had to learn to deal with things. (That really hurt. Not any more - now I stay away from those people as much as I can.)

After taking a class from the wonderful people at NAMI, I finally began to understand mental illness better, hers and mine. I learned new ways to fight for her, and how to accept things that scared me.

I saw my first glimmer of hope 2 months after she returned. A dog came into her life. That dog helped the girl finally start clawing her way back from the darkness. When that dog got sick and died, I was afraid the girl would, too. She didn't.

The girl is strong. She's a fighter. Recently, she tried to go back to public school. She wants to go to prom. It didn't work, but we're not giving up. Our new GP is running a bunch of tests. She said that certain medical issues can exacerbate mental illness, so she's checking for those things. We're looking for yet another new therapist.

Does the girl still cut? Yes. Cutting is an addiction. It's hard to stop. Does it scare me? Absolutely. But she's not suicidal. She has plans for the future, and we need to get this all figured out so she can achieve her goals. We're still working hard at getting the issues under control.
At least we know what the issues are. At least she's working with me. This will be a lifelong struggle, but she's equal to the task.

It's been 2 years. Last night, after I tucked her little sister into bed, the girl came in and grinned sheepishly at me. She felt silly, but she asked me to tuck her in, too. We snuggled and giggled for several minutes, and she drifted off to sleep with a smile on her lips.

To school, or not to school

The girl is thinking about returning to public school, so we made an appointment to meet with the principal of our local high school. We made a plan for easing her back in. We talked about part-time classes, and moving to full-time. We did the paperwork, and made sure her vaccines were current. We were ready.

And then time came to go. We walked into the school together so she could take the placement test for the classes she was going to take. The halls were full of students.
Then she froze. She got almost to the school office. Then she panicked. She went white as a ghost, eyes wide, hyperventilating. I asked her if she needed a minute and she nodded. Then she started to shake. I was talking to her the whole time, but she didn't register what I was saying. She couldn't move. Tears poured down her face, but she didn't seem aware of them.

In the past, I've forced her through situations like this. They never went well. This time I directed her to a seat. I spoke to the woman in the office, and let her know what was going on. We spent about 45 minutes in the lobby, trying to get her panic under control.

In the end we decided to try again another time. Walking out of the school, she did her best to keep from sobbing, but it wasn't easy. She felt like a failure. She was so disappointed in herself.
I told her I was proud of her. She looked at me like I was crazy, but I explained that even though she wasn't entirely successful, she got further than last time. She snorted at me, and I bought her a hot chocolate.
Another bit of progress - we were actually able to talk about it. Not just eye-rolling and shoulder-shrugging. An honest to goodness conversation. She told me that when she gets into a panic like that she can't really process what people are saying to her. She feels like her brain just shuts down. She finds it mortifying.

So she's still a homeschooler. We'll try again, I'm sure. Maybe next time she can do it.
But if she can't, she can't. We'll deal with it when it comes.

Childhood Shouldn't Suck

I hear people say all the time "I survived childhood, my kid will too".

Or "being a kid sucks".

Frankly, my childhood did suck. But I don't think childhood has to suck!

Things that suck about being a kid :

School

Bullies

Lack of control of your life

Difficult family situations

School is designed to teach kids to conform. Some actual education may happen along the way, but it isn't the primary function. School is about raising your hand, fitting in, and being obedient. If you're different or weird, you get bullied, sometimes by adults. Personal learning styles are not taken into account, and if your family is dysfunctional, you're basically screwed.

So I homeschool. I allow my kids to learn however they learn best, in a safe environment. I let them have input in their education. We can cover the material as fast or slow as necessary. And they know that no matter what happens, they can come to me. Even if it's bad or scary. I listen to them, take them seriously, and love them without strings. I spend my days with them, and don't look forward to "back to school". The world is our school, and we take breaks when we need them, not because a calendar says so. 

I can accept that this life isn't for everyone, but my family thrives in it.

So I'll continue to homeschool.

School and other important stuff

As you know, I made the decision to homeschool last year, after my teen was thrown into a huge school and ended up hospitalized after a suicide attempt.

So, we've officially started our academic year. The teen is studying zoology, and is captivated. I'm always so excited when she gets enthusiastic about a subject.

She asked me to get her back on her meds, and to help her find a therapist that she might click with a bit better. I'm glad she's come to me instead of waiting until things got bad.
We have appointments this coming week to get right on it.

My girl will be just fine.

Moving

Tomorrow we move into our new house. We're so excited!
My teen loves her new room, and my little loves our new yard! We'll have space to set up a work area for my kids, a family room, and a garden!
The teen is motivated this year to get through her academics with as little delay as possible so she can move ahead.

Today, I was attacked by a family member for not sending her back to public school. She accused me of being selfish, and taking the easy way. That I need to think about what's best for my children for once. She told me my girl will be a dysfunctional adult if I don't force her back into school.
If you have a teen in the house, I'm sure that you are aware that having her at home all day is NOT taking the easy way out. The other, bigger issue here is the social anxiety disorder that the girl has.
Am I supposed to send her back to a place where she is so unhappy she has to harm herself to deal with it?
(Here's a hint - HELL NO!)
I understand that my family member is concerned. I get she doesn't understand what our day-to-day life is like. And I even can kind of accept that she means well.
Those things being said, I have every right to raise my children as I see fit. I also have an obligation to do what I feel is best for them.
Public school ain't it.

Progress

It's been a couple of weeks since the last incident. She seems to be doing ok.
She's been in fairly good spirits, and laughing and playing with the family.

We're easing into the homeschool lifestyle. And really, that's what it is. This has changed the dynamics of our household significantly; mostly for the better, I think.

We communicate more. We share our thoughts more. We set goals together.
The girl and I are making the decorations for our tree this year. We spend evenings working on them and talking after the little has gone to sleep.
So I suppose some good is coming out of all this misery. My big girl and my little girl are closer than ever. My girl and I have been able to reconnect. We're home, with my husband as a buffer between us and the world. (He's been wonderful about his anti-social family.)
Things are definitely on the upswing. I expect there will be more setbacks.
That's just life. And it hasn't been all that long.
But the future is looking promising, and we have a mellow kind of contentment instead of the constant despair that seemed to loom over us.

Healing

No new bouts of cutting since I pulled the girl from public school.
She's been using some alternate ways of coping with stress - snapping an elastic band on her wrist, drawing, writing, squeezing ice, and walking.
Tomorrow I take her home and we start a new adventure.
We are now a homeschooling family. Hopefully, not having to deal with the traditional school environment will help alleviate some of the anxiety that she deals with.
I expect some challenges, but I'm looking forward to this.