Two years

Yesterday was 2 years since the girl's suicide attempt. So much has happened since then.
When I brought the girl back home with me after the nightmare of those first 6 weeks, I didn't have any idea what was going to happen. I was so afraid - afraid she would try again, afraid she would never completely be herself again, afraid I would never see her happy again. I was just so afraid.

And when her therapist told me she was going to discharge her because she wasn't making any progress, I was angry. "Her treatment isn't effective, so we're not going to treat her at all any more." What? No one would say that to a cancer patient! This has just as much potential to be fatal!
And when therapist after therapist failed to grasp Social Anxiety Disorder, I felt like there was no place to turn.

Family members railed against homeschooling her, convinced she just had to learn to deal with things. (That really hurt. Not any more - now I stay away from those people as much as I can.)

After taking a class from the wonderful people at NAMI, I finally began to understand mental illness better, hers and mine. I learned new ways to fight for her, and how to accept things that scared me.

I saw my first glimmer of hope 2 months after she returned. A dog came into her life. That dog helped the girl finally start clawing her way back from the darkness. When that dog got sick and died, I was afraid the girl would, too. She didn't.

The girl is strong. She's a fighter. Recently, she tried to go back to public school. She wants to go to prom. It didn't work, but we're not giving up. Our new GP is running a bunch of tests. She said that certain medical issues can exacerbate mental illness, so she's checking for those things. We're looking for yet another new therapist.

Does the girl still cut? Yes. Cutting is an addiction. It's hard to stop. Does it scare me? Absolutely. But she's not suicidal. She has plans for the future, and we need to get this all figured out so she can achieve her goals. We're still working hard at getting the issues under control.
At least we know what the issues are. At least she's working with me. This will be a lifelong struggle, but she's equal to the task.

It's been 2 years. Last night, after I tucked her little sister into bed, the girl came in and grinned sheepishly at me. She felt silly, but she asked me to tuck her in, too. We snuggled and giggled for several minutes, and she drifted off to sleep with a smile on her lips.

Childhood Remix

I know I've written about this before, but it just keeps coming up!

You see stuff all the time about people wishing they could be kids again, they don't want to be grown ups any more, and weren't those the good old days?

Do you people even remember childhood? Having no control over your own life, being expected to blindly obey just because you were smaller than the other people you lived with, being punished for stuff someone else did because the adults didn't believe you? Any of this ringing any bells? 

And that's people with ordinary childhoods! What about kids who were forced to hang wet laundry in freezing cold weather, or who were locked out of their houses on a regular basis but couldn't leave their yards? How about the kids who got smacked upside the head for no particular reason, or who got woken up during the night by drunk parents? Or the kids who got beaten with switches/belts/riding crops for minor infractions? 

No. Childhood was a nightmare. You couldn't pay me to do that again. 

I hope my kids have no idea what I'm talking about when they read this, after they're grown. But they will probably understand some of it. 

Playing

The little playing with Anya, our 10 month old Great Pyrenees.

Childhood Shouldn't Suck

I hear people say all the time "I survived childhood, my kid will too".

Or "being a kid sucks".

Frankly, my childhood did suck. But I don't think childhood has to suck!

Things that suck about being a kid :

School

Bullies

Lack of control of your life

Difficult family situations

School is designed to teach kids to conform. Some actual education may happen along the way, but it isn't the primary function. School is about raising your hand, fitting in, and being obedient. If you're different or weird, you get bullied, sometimes by adults. Personal learning styles are not taken into account, and if your family is dysfunctional, you're basically screwed.

So I homeschool. I allow my kids to learn however they learn best, in a safe environment. I let them have input in their education. We can cover the material as fast or slow as necessary. And they know that no matter what happens, they can come to me. Even if it's bad or scary. I listen to them, take them seriously, and love them without strings. I spend my days with them, and don't look forward to "back to school". The world is our school, and we take breaks when we need them, not because a calendar says so. 

I can accept that this life isn't for everyone, but my family thrives in it.

So I'll continue to homeschool.