Facing my fears...

Apparently, the girl has been talking to her father about spending next school year with him.
He's been talking to her about taking a class with him at a community college, to help her adapt to a college environment. He says that this way she can practice with him right there. He still hasn't discussed a word of this with me. He's only talking to her about it.

When she was talking to me about it she told me she needs to start detaching from me anyway. She said she has separation issues, and this might be good for her. Those sound to me like his words, and they make me mad as hell.

I have to admit, I'm kind of crushed, on top of being angry and scared.
The girl is getting ready to graduate, and she's turning 17. She's almost an adult. I'm not ready.
Partly, I'm worried about her safety. After the incident that caused another blog to be born, I'm terrified of what might happen. What if she still doesn't feel like she can ask for help? What if she still feels pushed to the side? What if he still won't take her seriously? What if she hurts herself? I'm worried that the other teen in the house will still get away with mistreating her. I'm worried that her father won't let her be who she is, but will try to make her be what he sees as normal. How will he handle it if she freezes? Will he help her get through, or will he humiliate her? If she cuts, will he make sure she's safe? Or will he make her feel like it's a failure?

It's not just those things, though. I feel like I'm losing her. It was her and me against the world for so long, and now she's going to go live with the person who repeatedly broke her heart, broke his promises, and wasn't there when she needed him. I can't trust him to take care of her, emotionally. I know he loves her, but he doesn't want to understand what her issues are.

So here's my problem - what if they're right? Maybe she really is too attached to me. Maybe she does need to do this transition, so that she's ready to go away to college next year. Maybe I have no idea how to prep her for the next phase of her life.

I feel absolutely heartsick. I will miss her more than I've ever missed anyone. More than I want to be right though, I want her to be happy. I want her to be a success - what ever that means to her. I want her to feel confident and competent. I want her to have a good life.

Getting ready to graduate...

So after months of dragging her feet and procrastinating any way possible, the girl came to me and said "I have a plan that will have me finished with high school soon."
YAY!!!
She working on Chemistry, Calculus, and Economics.
I love it when she gets into her studies. When she's motivated, she's a powerhouse. It's amazing to watch. She gets so much more motivated when she comes up with her own plan. I'm so excited to see where she takes the remainder of her studies.

In other news, some superficial cutting about a month ago. Nothing really deep, and not as often as it had been, but she does still occasionally cut. It worries me, but I know it's hard to stop completely.

Raising a teenager

Raising teenagers is hard. I mean, really hard. They look like adults, and sometimes they sound like them. 

They are not adults. 

When I ask the girl a question I'm still likely to hear "I don't know" as an answer. But it will come from above my head because she's taller than I am. 

When she's sick she still wants me to rub her back and hold her in my arms - but sometimes her breasts get in the way. 

She calls me Momma and holds my hand in the grocery store. I glare at the people who give us funny looks because I don't want her to get too self-conscious to continue. 

Sometimes I look at her and wonder who the hell this almost-woman is, and where did my little girl go. Then she gives me one of her now rare smiles, and her dimples appear for a moment, and I see the little girl briefly. 

There are times my heart breaks because she's just so beautiful, and times when all I can see in her are my own flaws. 

I want her to travel, to see the world, to study whatever makes her happiest. I want her to fall in love, build a life, feel fulfilled. 

I wish I could protect her from heartbreak, from injury, from making stupid mistakes. 

Raising a teenager is hard. I can't imagine not doing it. 

Missing her

The girl is going to be gone for another week and a half.
I can't help but worry. I'm happy for her that she is visiting the East Coast friends and family, but I want her home. I'm ready to knuckle down and get some academics going for the new year.

Who am I kidding? I miss the kid. It's that simple.

Holidays

My girl is on a plane early in the morning to spend Christmas with her dad. 

I'm glad she's getting to go, but I'll be happier when she gets back. 

I worry about what could happen when she's gone, even though I know she's much stronger than she was, and she knows she can call me at any time if there's an issue. 

I still hate when she's gone. 

At 15, she is still my light in the darkness of the world. 

Not alone

I've just started taking the NAMI Beginner Basics class. NAMI  is the National Alliance for Mental Illness, and the class is for parents and caregivers of children with mental illness.

I've discovered that, in the realm of parenting a child with mental illness. I have it pretty easy.

Not that we don't have day-to-day struggles. We certainly do. The stories I've heard from other parents, though, certainly are eye-opening.

I think this class is going to be really good for me.