Missing her

The girl is going to be gone for another week and a half.
I can't help but worry. I'm happy for her that she is visiting the East Coast friends and family, but I want her home. I'm ready to knuckle down and get some academics going for the new year.

Who am I kidding? I miss the kid. It's that simple.

Holidays

My girl is on a plane early in the morning to spend Christmas with her dad. 

I'm glad she's getting to go, but I'll be happier when she gets back. 

I worry about what could happen when she's gone, even though I know she's much stronger than she was, and she knows she can call me at any time if there's an issue. 

I still hate when she's gone. 

At 15, she is still my light in the darkness of the world. 

Perception

It's funny, really, to think about how perceptions change over time.

Today I told an online friend that he's amazing, and his response was how much of a compliment it was coming from someone of my character. 

It made me laugh at first, and then think about what that really means.

My "character" has not always gotten that reaction. 

As a younger woman, I advocated the idea that a woman can do what she chooses with her body. I did whatever I wanted, with whomever I wanted, with no regrets about it.

One guy described me as fierce, and a woman I was with called me a force of nature.  I saw myself as a sexual creature, and that came across loud and clear to the rest of the world.

Consequently, like any woman who is free, I was called slut, whore, skank, and various other creative things that primarily denote immoral and unacceptable behavior. 

I didn't care. I am the only one who owns me.  

I realize now that it was about control - of my life, and of my body. 

I can't remember the names if every partner I've had. 

When people comment on my character I always want to say "if only you knew how I spent my 20s".

Personal value

I received a comment today that struck a cord. The commenter said that she wishes she grew up with a "woman as beautiful and bountiful member of the world" point of view, and thanked me for helping her feel that about herself now.

As a young girl, I remember feeling betrayed by my body over and over again. It began with growing breasts at the age of 9. Then came hips. As a girl completely obsessed with the world of classical ballet, it didn't get worse than that. Until it did. Suddenly I was taller than the other girls. There went my dreams of dancing professionally. With every change toward maturity, I hated my "womanly" body more and more.

In my early 20's I made friends with my curves. They attracted attention, and made me desirable. I still mourned my lost dream, but I felt that I could live with this body.

Then I had a baby. And gained 100 pounds. And cried daily for two years about my lost body. My marriage crumbled for a variety of reasons. I hid.

Then something weird happened. I started feeling beautiful. Not sexy, something more visceral than that. Interesting, intelligent, funny. 

And I liked this new woman. Until I didn't. 

A series of bizarre, disfunctional relationships paralyzed this version of me. I lost confidence. I hated the person I saw in the mirror. I hated the woman raising my daughter.

So I changed her. Not her appearance. The way she looked at the world. The way she modeled being a woman. I started working to become, not just a woman I wanted around my child, but the type of person I hoped she would grow to be. Strong, self-confident, independent, with a positive outlook.  

Everyday I have the opportunity to choose - will I be the woman who hates herself, or the woman with a sense of self-worth? 

Most days I choose the second option. Because I want my daughters to choose that option. I want my friends and family to choose it. I want you to choose it.

You are valuable. You are a beautiful and bountiful member of the world. 

I hope you feel that, every day.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving friends!

You are one of the things I'm thankful for today. Yes, I'm talking to you. 

Thank you for your support, and for being a part of my life!

Not alone

I've just started taking the NAMI Beginner Basics class. NAMI  is the National Alliance for Mental Illness, and the class is for parents and caregivers of children with mental illness.

I've discovered that, in the realm of parenting a child with mental illness. I have it pretty easy.

Not that we don't have day-to-day struggles. We certainly do. The stories I've heard from other parents, though, certainly are eye-opening.

I think this class is going to be really good for me. 

Cars

The girl's best friend got her driver's license and a car. 

Watching my first born drive away for the first time, with her friend at the wheel was harder than I thought it would be. 

I don't think I'm ready for this.

A step back

The girl has recently had a small reversal.
I found some scratches on her arms. Initially when I asked, she said she didn't know what they were from.
Then she admitted that she had done them with a pin. And that she's not taking her meds.
Holy crap. More stuff for the therapist.

I asked the homeschooling group for help getting her involved, and a couple of moms of teens have offered to meet up separately. So glad I live here. We meet one family tomorrow. The other family, we will probably get together with next week. I'm as glad to meet other moms as she is to meet other teens.

My hope is that making some new friends will help alleviate her loneliness. I think that is a factor in her slipping back into bad habits.

This scares the hell out of me. I just have to keep her moving forward, and she'll be ok.
She has to be.

Update on the girl

The girl is doing really well. She's thinking about doing her last couple of years of high school in one year, so she has the option of starting college in the fall of next year.
We haven't had any incidents of cutting in many months, and now that she's back on her meds the depression has been a lot better too.
She back to writing songs, and wants to start taking guitar lessons again.
She's actually joined a snake club, and she's going to play hockey this year.
She's covered the walls of her room with positive, inspirational quotes.
I'm really happy with the progress she's made.

Lonely Girl

My girl is lonely.
We've talked about clubs. We've looked into lgbt groups. We've discussed a homeschooling group.
We get as far as talking about returning to public school, and then we hit a brick wall.
Our next meeting with the therapist will be focused on creating a plan to overcome her fear of people, and discussing anti-anxiety options.
I remember feeling lonely as a kid, not knowing how or where to make friends. And I went to public school.

Playing

The little playing with Anya, our 10 month old Great Pyrenees.

Childhood Shouldn't Suck

I hear people say all the time "I survived childhood, my kid will too".

Or "being a kid sucks".

Frankly, my childhood did suck. But I don't think childhood has to suck!

Things that suck about being a kid :

School

Bullies

Lack of control of your life

Difficult family situations

School is designed to teach kids to conform. Some actual education may happen along the way, but it isn't the primary function. School is about raising your hand, fitting in, and being obedient. If you're different or weird, you get bullied, sometimes by adults. Personal learning styles are not taken into account, and if your family is dysfunctional, you're basically screwed.

So I homeschool. I allow my kids to learn however they learn best, in a safe environment. I let them have input in their education. We can cover the material as fast or slow as necessary. And they know that no matter what happens, they can come to me. Even if it's bad or scary. I listen to them, take them seriously, and love them without strings. I spend my days with them, and don't look forward to "back to school". The world is our school, and we take breaks when we need them, not because a calendar says so. 

I can accept that this life isn't for everyone, but my family thrives in it.

So I'll continue to homeschool.

Friends

This is Sadie.
Sadie saved our girl. When she came home covered in scars, and couldn't connect with people, this dog made a connection with her.
Sadie is having surgery tomorrow. She has a mass on her spleen, and needs to have it removed.
We love this dog, but even more, I'm terrified what will happen to my girl if this dog doesn't come through this.




Update: Sadie had her spleen removed on Wednesday. By Saturday she was so weak she could barely lift her head, and struggled for every breath. On Sunday, we made the difficult decision to euthanize her, so as not to prolong her struggle. The whole family went, and my girl held her in her lap while Sadie breathed her last.
We loved her greatly, and miss her very much.

School and other important stuff

As you know, I made the decision to homeschool last year, after my teen was thrown into a huge school and ended up hospitalized after a suicide attempt.

So, we've officially started our academic year. The teen is studying zoology, and is captivated. I'm always so excited when she gets enthusiastic about a subject.

She asked me to get her back on her meds, and to help her find a therapist that she might click with a bit better. I'm glad she's come to me instead of waiting until things got bad.
We have appointments this coming week to get right on it.

My girl will be just fine.

Moving

Tomorrow we move into our new house. We're so excited!
My teen loves her new room, and my little loves our new yard! We'll have space to set up a work area for my kids, a family room, and a garden!
The teen is motivated this year to get through her academics with as little delay as possible so she can move ahead.

Today, I was attacked by a family member for not sending her back to public school. She accused me of being selfish, and taking the easy way. That I need to think about what's best for my children for once. She told me my girl will be a dysfunctional adult if I don't force her back into school.
If you have a teen in the house, I'm sure that you are aware that having her at home all day is NOT taking the easy way out. The other, bigger issue here is the social anxiety disorder that the girl has.
Am I supposed to send her back to a place where she is so unhappy she has to harm herself to deal with it?
(Here's a hint - HELL NO!)
I understand that my family member is concerned. I get she doesn't understand what our day-to-day life is like. And I even can kind of accept that she means well.
Those things being said, I have every right to raise my children as I see fit. I also have an obligation to do what I feel is best for them.
Public school ain't it.

Anxiety

My girl has just spent the last 2 months visiting her father for the first time since she came home. I picked her up at the airport on Sunday. I couldn't really relax until I saw her beautiful face.
She called me every day she was gone, and texted me that she wanted to come home.
I'm so glad to have her back.
I haven't checked her for fresh cuts. I'm too afraid. I know I need to. I just need everything to be ok for a little longer.
I'm a coward, I know.

Oppression

Oppression comes in many forms. For women, it frequently comes masked as protection.
Don't go out alone. Stay out of certain neighborhoods. Don't wear revealing clothing. Don't be a slut.
It hurts my heart that I've already had to say some of these things to my own daughters. I have to worry about what they wear- not because they are bad or weak or stupid girls. I have to worry because if something should happen it may be blamed on them because they were wearing short skirts, or tight shirts, or whatever stupidity might be used to justify evil actions.
I have to teach my daughters that even though we know many good and decent men, there are some out there just waiting for a girl to come along to victimize. And because you can't tell who they are- ALL men need to be treated with suspicion until they prove themselves.
I desperately want to tell my kids that most people are good, but that gives them the idea that they can let their guard down. And they can't. Not ever. My daughters will always have to think, in the back of their minds, that they need to be careful around men. And that makes me sad and sick.