Personal value

I received a comment today that struck a cord. The commenter said that she wishes she grew up with a "woman as beautiful and bountiful member of the world" point of view, and thanked me for helping her feel that about herself now.

As a young girl, I remember feeling betrayed by my body over and over again. It began with growing breasts at the age of 9. Then came hips. As a girl completely obsessed with the world of classical ballet, it didn't get worse than that. Until it did. Suddenly I was taller than the other girls. There went my dreams of dancing professionally. With every change toward maturity, I hated my "womanly" body more and more.

In my early 20's I made friends with my curves. They attracted attention, and made me desirable. I still mourned my lost dream, but I felt that I could live with this body.

Then I had a baby. And gained 100 pounds. And cried daily for two years about my lost body. My marriage crumbled for a variety of reasons. I hid.

Then something weird happened. I started feeling beautiful. Not sexy, something more visceral than that. Interesting, intelligent, funny. 

And I liked this new woman. Until I didn't. 

A series of bizarre, disfunctional relationships paralyzed this version of me. I lost confidence. I hated the person I saw in the mirror. I hated the woman raising my daughter.

So I changed her. Not her appearance. The way she looked at the world. The way she modeled being a woman. I started working to become, not just a woman I wanted around my child, but the type of person I hoped she would grow to be. Strong, self-confident, independent, with a positive outlook.  

Everyday I have the opportunity to choose - will I be the woman who hates herself, or the woman with a sense of self-worth? 

Most days I choose the second option. Because I want my daughters to choose that option. I want my friends and family to choose it. I want you to choose it.

You are valuable. You are a beautiful and bountiful member of the world. 

I hope you feel that, every day.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving friends!

You are one of the things I'm thankful for today. Yes, I'm talking to you. 

Thank you for your support, and for being a part of my life!

Not alone

I've just started taking the NAMI Beginner Basics class. NAMI  is the National Alliance for Mental Illness, and the class is for parents and caregivers of children with mental illness.

I've discovered that, in the realm of parenting a child with mental illness. I have it pretty easy.

Not that we don't have day-to-day struggles. We certainly do. The stories I've heard from other parents, though, certainly are eye-opening.

I think this class is going to be really good for me. 

Cars

The girl's best friend got her driver's license and a car. 

Watching my first born drive away for the first time, with her friend at the wheel was harder than I thought it would be. 

I don't think I'm ready for this.

A step back

The girl has recently had a small reversal.
I found some scratches on her arms. Initially when I asked, she said she didn't know what they were from.
Then she admitted that she had done them with a pin. And that she's not taking her meds.
Holy crap. More stuff for the therapist.

I asked the homeschooling group for help getting her involved, and a couple of moms of teens have offered to meet up separately. So glad I live here. We meet one family tomorrow. The other family, we will probably get together with next week. I'm as glad to meet other moms as she is to meet other teens.

My hope is that making some new friends will help alleviate her loneliness. I think that is a factor in her slipping back into bad habits.

This scares the hell out of me. I just have to keep her moving forward, and she'll be ok.
She has to be.

Update on the girl

The girl is doing really well. She's thinking about doing her last couple of years of high school in one year, so she has the option of starting college in the fall of next year.
We haven't had any incidents of cutting in many months, and now that she's back on her meds the depression has been a lot better too.
She back to writing songs, and wants to start taking guitar lessons again.
She's actually joined a snake club, and she's going to play hockey this year.
She's covered the walls of her room with positive, inspirational quotes.
I'm really happy with the progress she's made.

Lonely Girl

My girl is lonely.
We've talked about clubs. We've looked into lgbt groups. We've discussed a homeschooling group.
We get as far as talking about returning to public school, and then we hit a brick wall.
Our next meeting with the therapist will be focused on creating a plan to overcome her fear of people, and discussing anti-anxiety options.
I remember feeling lonely as a kid, not knowing how or where to make friends. And I went to public school.